Fans of 31 teams shopping for batteries:
"Let's see, I need double As for my label maker, some Ds for my boom box, and a 9-volt for my stud finder. Isn't this technology amazing? You put batteries in, and then your gadgets run."
"Gimme this big pack of Ds. If I get mad at other fans rooting against my Eagles, I'll just throw these batteries at them and hopefully hurt someone. Or if I'm mad at my team for playing poorly, I'll throw the batteries at them."
Cowboys fan meeting Washington fan at our stadium:
"Welcome to Texas. I expect a tough game. You know the rivalry goes way back. Have a great time in Texas."
Eagles fan meeting Washington fan at the Eagles' stadium:
"No one gets to root against my Eagles, you scumbag. Here take that." (Throws a D battery against his temple. Police comes to arrest him.) "Hey! I paid for my ticket. I should get to watch the game. …. Help, Mom, can you bail me out?"
Vikings fan on draft day:
"Okay, they drafted this guy. He played well in college. I hope he can help our team to win."
Eagles fan on draft day:
"What? Why are they drafting this bum? BOOOOOO, HISSSSSSSSSS. You dumb [bleep], why'd you draft that [bleep]. What? His family's watching, so we should't boo? Well [bleep]. Who cares how they feel?"
NFL fan getting bailed out of jail:
Fans of other 31 teams:
"I got a bum rap. I was minding my own business watching the game, then I expressed my free speech rights by throwing a battery, and the jerks got all uptight just because the guy I hit was bleeding. What the hey? Well, thanks for bailing me out, mom. I'm so proud of myself for getting arrested for my team."
NFC East fans looking at their team's trophy case:
Cowboys fans: "Five Lombardis. We've got some great memories of those championships. I hope our team plays well and has a shot at another one."
Giants fans: Four Lombardies. "We've got some great memories of those championships. I hope our team plays well and has a shot at another one."
Washington fans: "Three Lombardies. We've got some great memories of those championships. I hope our team plays well and has a shot at another one."
Eagles fans: "One Lombardi. That proves it. We're the absolute BEST! We stand head and shoulders above all those other bums in the NFC East. We're the CLASS of the division. No one else can touch us. Those other teams are a bunch of trash."
An opposing player is seriously injured and is barely moving, if at all. They bring out a stretcher.
Fans of 31 teams:
"OMG, it's a rough sport. I hope he's okay. You never want to see anyone hurt." (As they take him off the field) [applause in encouragement and respect]
"Hahahahahahahaha! I'm so glad that bum is hurt. I hate his guts. Let's see some more of the enemy team get hurt. That wimp's being taken off on a stretcher. Here let me see if I can hit him with this D battery. ….. What? Why do you want to arrest me? I didn't do anything?"
History of NFC East Fandom:
"We've followed this team since Don Meredith was quarterback. We've had some great years and some lean years, but we stick with our team."
"We've followed this team since YA Tittle was quarterback. We've had our ups and downs, and it makes us appreciate the good years."
"We've been fans every since Sonny Jergensen was quarterback. We had some great years, and some tough years, especially recently, but we keep loving our team."
"We prove we love our team more than anyone else because we get arrested all the time. In the past 10 years I've been arrested 12 times at games. We're the CLASS of the NFL. Now help me find some more D batteries."